i got mugged on saturday night. at my house. with my mum. by three guys. with guns. they took my purse and my car. they pushed us to the floor of my garage and told us to stay quiet. two of them got into the car and started backing out while the third one stood over us. he then got into the car and they drove away.
i choked. i couldn't move nor react to what they were telling us to do. they wanted me to start the car, but i only remember saying 'no' and standing there paralyzed. that's when they yanked the keys out of my hands. they punched me in the jaw, but it was quite weak, and i just remember thinking "i can't believe i'm being assaulted by three little kids that don't even know how to punch".
i remember my mum and i rushing into the house as soon as they drove away. we called the police. i struggled to remember my license plate, and screamed the description of my car over and over, so i wouldn't forget. we called my dad. i talked to the operator and i thought i would faint. my breathing was ragged, and he told me to calm down, that he had already dispatched the information and a patrol car was on the way. they arrived just before my dad did. i remember pacing a lot. i remember hugging my dad and crying, but no tears would come out.
i don't have a mobile phone. i don't have an id or a driver's license. i don't have makeup, and i don't have my iPod. i don't have a car. and i don't have any sense of security right now. i'm afraid to go out of my house. i'm afraid of arriving at my house. i don't mind walking around the streets or being elsewhere in the city. but i can't stand in my garage for even a few seconds. my heart starts pounding. i have no energy. i keep playing stuff out in my head. i try to comfort myself by remembering that it could've been so much worse, but that's not comforting at all, because i REALLY start thinking about how much worse it could've been, and i get more scared, and i think of my mum, my dad, my sister and her baby, my brother-in-law, my grandmother, my grandparents, my aunts and uncles and cousins, my friends and coworkers all the other honest, hard-working people who don't stand a chance either when faced in situations like this. where's our safety? where's our protection? when will there come a time when we can enjoy the product of our honest hard work without being afraid that some little perp with a gun will take it away without remorse?
i've cried so much my head hurts. every time i tell the story to someone who asks, my eyes well up, and i get cranky, and i want to run away and crawl into bed and sleep and pretend it never happened. i want to move away from this city to a place where this sort of thing doesn't happen but i know those places are hard to come by. i want to know where my mum and my dad and my sister and my family and my friends are at all times, but i know i can't.
i know this isn't the most awful thing that can ever happen to me. i keep thinking that this was quite horrible, and i remember i'm only 25 years old and i have a lifetime of shit that hasn't happened to me yet. and i tell myself "that's what we're here for, in this world and in this life, to experience a lot of shit inbetween a lot of good times, and take it in stride", and that thought is comforting for a while, and i remember i don't care about my car or my iPod as much as i'll ever care about my mum and how glad i am nothing happened to her or to me, but then it goes away and i remember i'll never get the hang of it. if i'm alone i remember that i could be alone next time some shit happens, and i'm scared to be alone, because i won't know what to do. and it sucks and i'm scared. i don't want to live like this. i can't.
i cry until i can't breathe. i cry when i'm alone. i've cried many more times in the last couple of days than i have in the last couple of years. i don't know how to stop.
i feel a piece of my soul has been sucked out of my body and it's out there somewhere and i don't know how to get it back. i'm not sure i will ever find it. if i find it, i might not know how to put it back. there's only a ghost there, where that part of my soul used to be.
i feel i am not myself. i feel in disarray...
3/23/2010
1/20/2010
so i went to the movies...
and i sat through avatar, because everyone was nagging me about watching it already. considering it's only been like three weeks since it was released, and the lines were still long, i had no rush. but i thought i'd watch it before the awards season started, so i'd know, if avatar won any awards, that it was worthy.
i feel a little bit scammed.
people kept telling me that it was stunning, but just a little bit cliché. a little bit? i don't remember the last time i saw such a corny, cheesy, predictable, stereotypical movie.
i have to admit, whenever the na'vi were on screen, and only the na'vi, it was pretty cool. i loved how they wrote the culture, very reminiscing of cultures like the native australians and the native americans. i loved the whole mythology of the trees and the animals, and i even liked the slightly disgusting fibers coming out of their long braids that would serve as a connection between them and every other living thing.
but the humans? maybe this film was a form of protest against the u.s. army, and this gringo mentality that they can go wherever they want, do whatever they want, and treat people like shit because they think it's okay because they're "ammmericans". i hope that's what james cameron was going for, but for me it just works to remind everyone that gringos fucking suck. i hardly think any movie, even one as world reknown as avatar, is gonna change that.
and with such a huge budget, at least cameron could have found himself a decent scriptwriter. according to a colleague, cameron wouldn't have intended to, that was not his goal. his goal was simply to make the biggest box-office success of all time, to surpass his previous hit, Titanic. and with the 3-D fad going strong, higher-priced tickets and thousands of new movie theaters that have opened all over the world since then, duh, of couse he's succeeded.
oh well, off to watch sherlock holmed now.
i feel a little bit scammed.
people kept telling me that it was stunning, but just a little bit cliché. a little bit? i don't remember the last time i saw such a corny, cheesy, predictable, stereotypical movie.
i have to admit, whenever the na'vi were on screen, and only the na'vi, it was pretty cool. i loved how they wrote the culture, very reminiscing of cultures like the native australians and the native americans. i loved the whole mythology of the trees and the animals, and i even liked the slightly disgusting fibers coming out of their long braids that would serve as a connection between them and every other living thing.
but the humans? maybe this film was a form of protest against the u.s. army, and this gringo mentality that they can go wherever they want, do whatever they want, and treat people like shit because they think it's okay because they're "ammmericans". i hope that's what james cameron was going for, but for me it just works to remind everyone that gringos fucking suck. i hardly think any movie, even one as world reknown as avatar, is gonna change that.
and with such a huge budget, at least cameron could have found himself a decent scriptwriter. according to a colleague, cameron wouldn't have intended to, that was not his goal. his goal was simply to make the biggest box-office success of all time, to surpass his previous hit, Titanic. and with the 3-D fad going strong, higher-priced tickets and thousands of new movie theaters that have opened all over the world since then, duh, of couse he's succeeded.
oh well, off to watch sherlock holmed now.
1/04/2010
so far so ungood...
i need to get on a strict diet. this holiday overeating is starting to trample my digestive system...
and if i see one more bottle of eggnog, ima gag.
this morning i didn't get up to walk the dog, like i said i would (i am ashamed, oh great dog whisperer, please forgive me...)
i also did not eat an orange.
instead, my mom made tortilla, and i accompanied it with christmas bread (which for some reason never seems to end, dammit)
and we had dim sum for breakfast yesterday, and then i ate pizza for lunch. and then again for dinner.
hmm, this does not bode well...
and if i see one more bottle of eggnog, ima gag.
this morning i didn't get up to walk the dog, like i said i would (i am ashamed, oh great dog whisperer, please forgive me...)
i also did not eat an orange.
instead, my mom made tortilla, and i accompanied it with christmas bread (which for some reason never seems to end, dammit)
and we had dim sum for breakfast yesterday, and then i ate pizza for lunch. and then again for dinner.
hmm, this does not bode well...
1/01/2010
happy new year (already a day late)
so one of my new year resolutions was to keep a journal.
i think i'll go with the blog. if i have to open one more account to ignore for the rest of the year, i think i'll be really depressed.
and so i prefer to document my doings (some of them, at least) for all the world to see (or whoever really gives a damn).
i wanted to spend new year's eve on the beach, but that wasn't possible due to lack of lodgings. thank god we didn't anyway, because everyone had the same idea. and then we would've had to endure a three-hour traffic jam all the way to the one-hour-away beach. we stayed home, spent it with the family, ate a lot of food, drank some champagne, and watched the fireworks display.
and then i was falling asleep all over the place, because i had the company party the day before, and i had to get up to go to work, and then i spent all day helping to clean and pretty up the house for our guests, and i wanted to get a good night's sleep to go to the beach. which i didn't (the good night's sleep, i mean, not the beach). i did go to the beach. and now i'm even more tired, i honestly don't know how my head hasn't hit the keyboard yet.
and i took my dog, and he swam in the ocean for the first time. and i don't think he liked it at all. but he was generally happy and dead tired afterwards.
of course, then we came back home and had to clean up the mess from last night. and i didn't take a shower and i feel i'm still covered in sand. and i watched the sex and the city movie, ate a bowl of cheerios, called my dad, painted my nails bright orange, and posted stuff on my tumblr page and twitter. and that was it.
hmmm, i don't like this journaling thing so far...
i feel like i have nothing to say. and if i don't have anything to say, then maybe i don't have to make a journal entry whenever that happens.
so that's what's going to happen.
i will post something, but only when it's worthwhile. like a compilation. and then i'll feel like i can have stories. and pictures. i'll take lots of pictures. and post some here.
that's more like it.
ok, so it's 1:12 a.m., on a friday, new year, but i'm not doing anything trascendental. and my head just nodded toward the table. so... i guess i better go.
happy new year.
i think i'll go with the blog. if i have to open one more account to ignore for the rest of the year, i think i'll be really depressed.
and so i prefer to document my doings (some of them, at least) for all the world to see (or whoever really gives a damn).
i wanted to spend new year's eve on the beach, but that wasn't possible due to lack of lodgings. thank god we didn't anyway, because everyone had the same idea. and then we would've had to endure a three-hour traffic jam all the way to the one-hour-away beach. we stayed home, spent it with the family, ate a lot of food, drank some champagne, and watched the fireworks display.
and then i was falling asleep all over the place, because i had the company party the day before, and i had to get up to go to work, and then i spent all day helping to clean and pretty up the house for our guests, and i wanted to get a good night's sleep to go to the beach. which i didn't (the good night's sleep, i mean, not the beach). i did go to the beach. and now i'm even more tired, i honestly don't know how my head hasn't hit the keyboard yet.
and i took my dog, and he swam in the ocean for the first time. and i don't think he liked it at all. but he was generally happy and dead tired afterwards.
of course, then we came back home and had to clean up the mess from last night. and i didn't take a shower and i feel i'm still covered in sand. and i watched the sex and the city movie, ate a bowl of cheerios, called my dad, painted my nails bright orange, and posted stuff on my tumblr page and twitter. and that was it.
hmmm, i don't like this journaling thing so far...
i feel like i have nothing to say. and if i don't have anything to say, then maybe i don't have to make a journal entry whenever that happens.
so that's what's going to happen.
i will post something, but only when it's worthwhile. like a compilation. and then i'll feel like i can have stories. and pictures. i'll take lots of pictures. and post some here.
that's more like it.
ok, so it's 1:12 a.m., on a friday, new year, but i'm not doing anything trascendental. and my head just nodded toward the table. so... i guess i better go.
happy new year.
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